Hello. I'm Carol Burgess.
I'm running for Congress,
and I'd like to tell you why.
Iowans need a voice that speaks for them.
Iowans need change after years of Washington gridlock.
Iowans need big ideas.
That's why, if I'm elected,
I promise to address one issue we all care about deeply.
We need something new to say
when someone knocks on the bathroom door
and you're in there.
It's something lowans all across our great state can agree on.
We've all been in that situation.
You're in the bathroom.
Someone knocks on the door.
You don't know what to say.
"Just a minute!" is old news.
"Occupied." Well, that's just weird.
We need new ideas.
Bold ideas.
Too many times we've seen this happen.
It's time we found a solution.
When I get to Washington,
I'll roll up my sleeves and get to work.
On day one in office,
I'll draft a bipartisan bill
that includes a list of things you could say
when someone knocks on the door of the bathroom
while you're in there.
Things like, "This might be a while,"
or "What's that noise?"
or "Bathroom!"
I also think
it should be okay to say nothing
and just knock on the other side of the door
right back at them.
My opponent, Frank Barnstorm, has no ideas for things you can say
when someone knocks on the door of the bathroom
while you're in there.
No excuse for that kind of recklessness.
I hate Frank Barnstorm so much.
Do I have ideas about other things?
Not really.
Do I need them?
I don't think so.
So if you agree that we need new, bold ideas
for things you can say when someone knocks on the door of the bathroom
and you're in the bathroom, vote for me.
Carol Burgess.
I'm Carol Burgess,
and I'm in here.
And you know, Halloween is just around the corner,
and this next costume we have for you is just so, so cute.
It is our blond white woman wig.
It is so much thinner than I thought it would be.
That's what a lot of white women say when they get their hair dyed blonde
and it gets thinner from the dye and processing it too much.
Now, my favorite part about this wig,
it's not a lot of hair.
It's not a lot of hassle.
You do not even have to brush this wig,
because there's simply not enough hair.
And it's a fine amount, because you know,
we believe in quality here, not quantity.
You hold that up to the light. Look at that.
Look at that. Look at that.
Look at that. Look how it shines.
Look at how that light comes right through there,
letting you know it's not about girth, it's not about width.
It's about just having wispy tendrils,
corn cob silk coming down,
while you're at the farmers market.
Do not curl it.
We had an incident with a caller recently.
You curl it, it's just... It just does not look good curly.
In fact, I'm pretty sure it's gonna melt.
This is not enough hair to put into braids.
You probably only have enough hair for one braid,
and at that point, you may as well make it a ponytail.
But you don't wanna do a ponytail with this,
'cause then everyone will see how thin it is on the side.
So keep it down, under a floppy hat,
on your way to yogalates,
whatever you need to do to feel better
about your crushing self-esteem.
My favorite kind of stunt is an office stunt.
This one's gonna hurt.
Skuz is about to come in here,
and she has no idea what's in store for her. Let's do it.
When are you due?
I'm full from lunch.
Whoo!
Hi.
I'm Frank Barnstorm,
and I'd like to represent the great people
of lowa's 23rd district.
My opponent wants you to think I have no ideas
for things you can say in the bathroom
when someone knocks on the door and you're in there,
but she's flat-out wrong.
I do have ideas.
I always grunt.
An incoherent noise is all you need in that situation.
Or...
Simple, really.
So don't believe everything you hear about me.
Also, I have a much, much larger porch than she does.
Just look at this thing. It's a beauty.
You haven't even seen half of it yet.
You want some poor person with a small porch representing you?
I'm Frank Barnstorm,
and I approve this message.
All catheters hurt,
but this catheter hurts a lot.
This week, on a new episode
-of American Top knots...
This is complete baloney.
Taylor, you didn't even say you had a crush on Caleb.
That is not the point, Meghan!
You had just gone out to eat with Bolton at the lake.
So what, Michaela?
There you go.
And... she was texting with Shayden and Colton.
Shut up, Trinity!
- You shut up! - No!
Brandy! Get out here and tell Taylor to shut up!
- Move. - Y'all!
Quit your hollering or you're gonna wake up Jake,
Cramdon, Shayla and Scotron!
You don't get to just tell people what to do
because your topknot is bigger!
- Yes, I do! - No, you don't!
- I do! - No! I'll take you on!
- Bow down! Bow down! - No!
- Bow! Bow! - No! No!
Get-- Get off my porch! Get out!
Mom Alert.
Remember your Aunt Diane?
She choked on big lettuce.
So chew your food.
I'm Dillon, I'm from Austin,
and I came to serve it up hot.
I'm Delyn, I'm from Nashville,
but I'm originally from Austin,
and I'm ready to jump into that heat.
What's up? I'm Dylan. I'm from Austin,
and I'm ready to heat it up.
I got the ability to shout, "Watch your back, Ma!"
across the kitchen.
My signature move in the kitchen
is putting my fist in my hand and then pulling it out.
I'm ready to serve it up.
The heated, the hot meats.
Let's turn up the heat
and let's get after it.
Heat is hot.
And I like it.
I'm not afraid of the heat,
and I'm not afraid of the heat.
My passion is meats,
but my soul is heating up meats.
Did I mention yet that I'm not afraid of the heat?
I did? Sick.
Local big lettuce.
Local little lettuce.
Local little-wittle, willow-pillow lettuce.
Yeah. I know I won last week's Drop Crotch challenge.
So you better believe I'm coming in hot.
This squash blossom is from my garden,
where my piggy likes to take big old thunder dumps.
My motto in the kitchen:
"If you make a dish and you don't use a blowtorch, why?"
This my spoon,
'cause I love to serve it up hot.
Butch corn...
picture of my mom, 'cause I love her so much.
foster dog, foster dog, foster dog.
When I'm not in the kitchen,
you can find me in the kitchen.
Foster dog, foster dog, foster dog,
foster cat. That was a weird phase.
- When I'm in the kitchen, I'm-- - Watch your back, Ma!
Tilda Swinton, using a whisk.
Radish, wallet chain,
mountain lion I saw in my brain once.
Meat cleaver with a bow on it.
Cooking saved... my life.
I'm Dillon, I'm serving it to you hot.
Coming at you from heated up, blazing hot, Austin, Texas,
and we're gonna be serving things up heat style, with hot sauce.
Hot, not too hot, 'cause the heat's already there.
Dillon, hot, heated up, hot.
Texas, Austin, blazing hot.
Okay, so, why did y'all bring me here?
We aren't mad at you.
We just wanna talk to you.
Um, Sis...
It's about your topknot.
Your topknot...
affects us
in the following ways.
We think it makes you angry.
No, wait. My topknot is dope.
This is how I let people know I have hair on the top
and bottom.
And I know that that message is important to you,
but it makes you look like
a stupid bitch.
This is a fun summer do!
It is skanky!
Hon, you don't have enough hair for the top
- and the bottom. - Dad's right.
Like, it's either gonna be a messy knot,
or just all the way down.
We just want you to look your best.
This is my best!
We know, sweetie. But it is just...
really dumb looking.
It doesn't photograph well.
It's stringy, especially on the sides
where hair is real thin.
It doesn't matter how much
you brush your baby hairs forward, um, it looks like you were in a fire.
- Big fire. - Big ol' fire.
Or... Or that you had head surgery,
and it ain't quite grown back yet.
I asked you if this looked cute and you said yes.
I know I did, and I did lie to your face.
And you look like you live in a medieval forest.
Today, it's especially stringy and greasy.
I'm sorry. How is all of this
in your letters already?
We just-- We just want you
to get the help that you need.
Or maybe you could...
You could cut some layers into your hair?
Or maybe even
think about going chin-length.
- Chin? - Because if you refuse this help,
we will be forced to cut you out...
- of all of our group photos. - Yeah.
- Yeah - Yeah.
- No! - Yes.
Don't let them cut me.
Traegus Powder targets the parts of your muscles that are dumb and bad.
What's up? I'm Ellen Plebles, and this is the Ripped Fate Dude workout.
Today, I'm gonna be working out
with my boy, Ethan, and he's gonna be doing
a modified work out.
So, if you're some dude that blew out his knee
playing junior college ball,
you'll wanna follow along with Ethan.
Let's do it.
Notice the way he's stretching.
We don't know what muscle group he's stretching or why,
but it's clear from the way he moves,
that he used to maybe be an athlete.
Check out that fighting Irish tattoo on his arm.
- Hey, Ethan. You go to Notre Dame? - No.
Awesome. Check out Ethan's core.
This is how he maintains that signature Ripped Fate Dude middle.
See how it's got a hint of abs,
it's a little thick, almost ham-like.
And notice Ethan's arms.
They can only be described as... big.
Ethan, should we show 'em
- your before picture? - Let's do it!
If you can believe it,
this is Ethan before he started doing the Ripped Fat Dude program.
And this is Ethan after.
Amazing. See, I designed the Ripped Fat Dude program
to help men maintain that puffy physique
not just in their early 30s
but going into their late 30s as well.
Ethan, what's your nutrition regimen?
Twelve grams of creatine a day.
That's more than double the recommended amount.
And I hit the gym every day.
I lift heavy weights for four to six minutes,
then I sit on the leg machine.
And I eat a Hot Pocket.
That's right. You'll need all those carbs
if you're gonna drink seven Bud Light Limes alone,
later in the shower.
All right, guys, let's do a leg workout.
Just kidding. There is no leg workout.
If you wanna maintain the calves of a malnourished baby bird,
you gotta rest your legs. The good news is the upper half's
gonna look swole as fuck,
because you're not gonna be using your legs at all.
You're gonna look like a centaur
if they ran out of horse legs for the bottom
and used a homemade scarecrow just to make your legs.
But proper nutrition is still important.
Protein me!
Now, this gets me hard in the morning.
This I fucking love.
Love, love, love it.
It's got a big-ass straw,
so you can gulp down more protein than you could ever need.
And what's the Ripped Fate Dude workout motto?
More protein for your protein,
we're the Go Team Protein!
Now that's protein.
Drink up. That's the end of our workout.
Nice. Replenish those electrolytes.
And after a workout like this,
I highly recommend passing out in the sun face up
for at least two hours.
You're gonna wanna get a severe sunburn that turns into a weird purple tan,
that can only be described as irreversible skin damage.
Ripped Fat Dudes!
Frank Barnstorm wants you to think you can just grunt
when someone knocks on the door of the bathroom
when you're already in there.
Sure, maybe sometimes.
But this isn't a "one size fits all" problem,
and it won't have a "one size fits all" solution.
Our approach needs to be different,
whether you're in a public bathroom
or a private bathroom.
There are bathrooms in restaurants,
airplanes,
hotel lobbies,
office buildings,
and even some hospitals.
What you say when someone knocks on the door while you're in there,
will depend on what kind of bathroom you're in.
Is it a stall?
Is it at a party?
What time of day is it?
Frank Barnstorm doesn't care.
I do.
I'm Carol.
Sometimes, if it's very quiet,
you can cough real big when you hear footsteps coming toward you.
That way, the person will know not to even knock
on the door of the bathroom in the first place.
They'll turn around and go home.
But if it's loud,
that idea just won't work.
When I'm elected,
I am going to fix the crisis at our border.
The border between the bathroom
and the rest of the place outside the bathroom.
And that border is a door.
I know my wife is gonna fight hard for the people of Iowa.
Has she told you about her idea for something new to say
when someone knocks on the door of the bathroom
while you're in the bathroom?
Game changer.
How many seats are in a Senate,
and is that the same thing as Congress?
These are some of the things that I will find out
when you send me
to Washington.
A few years ago,
I heard some states were introducing Bathroom Bills,
and I was thrilled.
Then, I found out what they were about and I was appalled.
Trans rights are human rights, and the government has no business
discriminating on the basis of gender identity.
That's my only opinion that's normal and good.
And not to mention,
those bills don't include any ideas for things you can say
when someone knocks on the door when you're in there. So.
If I win this contest,
where do I get to live?
How long does it go for,
and when does everybody vote?
Some questions have no answers,
but when I'm Iowa, I will find out,
and I will get back to you as soon as I can.
My family and I are committed
to getting to the bottom of Washington D.C.
Won't you help me?
I'm Carol Burgess and I'm in here.
Next week, on American Top Knots...
I'm so blessed I found you, Axton.
Who cares about my family and their wishes?
So blessed.
Tonight we strike.
Redemption is ours.
Now, that's how we used to take care of business.
It'd be just you, nature,
and a tree bug covered in hot urine.
Times are a-changin'.
People are different now.
We landed on the spoon.
Biscuits went viral,
and people started eating their lunches
in the bathroom.
Ha!
Hello, I'm Cashew Albacore.
And I wasn't gonna run for office.
But then, I heard Frank Barnstorm and Carol Burgess
say something about bathrooms.
And that's when I remembered.
I make locks!
Raccoon!
Jingle jangle!
And it's my position that if a door is locked,
and someone comes a-knockin',
you ain't got to say nothing to nobody.
'Cause it's locked.
So the person on the other side will figure it out.
See?
They know they're in there.
Hello?
I want to do things differently.
I'm the dark whore of this race.
I'm a disruptor.
Boogie-oogie-oogie-oogie.
So take it from me,
as someone who's locked a lot of people
in a lot of rooms that they rented,
thinking it was a bed and breakfast.
The only way out
is the way in!
Yeah! That's right, America.
Locks!
Not just another word for hair anymore.
Paid for in pennies and vintage buttons
by the campaign to elect Cashew Albacore to something.
I'm Cashew Albacore,
and something is wrong with me.